i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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