I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
