I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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