I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
