I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
