I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
