Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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