I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
