If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
