this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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