Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.