Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
