Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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