No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
