i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
