your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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