i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
