dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
