just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
