Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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