My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
