dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
