My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
