I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
