The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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