I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
