so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
