Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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