Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
