My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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