umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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