i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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