i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
