I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
