He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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