that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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