Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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