my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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