she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
