eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
