having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
