this beer tastes like vomit already
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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