i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
two words: eviction party
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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