i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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