even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
