why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
