don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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