actually, I'm a sock model
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
