I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
