I CAN MOONWALK!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
