In the future we'll all be gay
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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