either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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