I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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