my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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