Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
